Time to Post

My freshman year of college I created a grid on a marker board scheduling my day in 15 min. increments.

1:30-2:45 "Class"
2:45-3:00 "Walking/Check Mail"
3:00-4:15 "Study for History Exam"
4:15-4:30 "Nap"

Sadly enough, I'm not making this stuff up. Ask my friend Duncan who mocked my schedule every time she would mozie into my dorm room to see if I wanted to play Donkey Kong on her old school Nintendo. "I just don't know if I have time, Duncan. Maybe I can fit you in after dinner...like 6:45-7:00."

Eight years later, I feel more at peace in God's rhythm.

However, I forget how much my life is STILL bombarded with messages to fill, fill, fill, and not to rest. We really have to fight for presence.

What is the impact of financial terminology on Christianity? from All Things Converge on Vimeo.

Am I Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Thoughts on Dating.

I mentor a fifth grader named Becca. We eat lunch together every Tuesday. Some times we play Guess Who, and I kick her butt. Some times we play Mancala, and she kicks my butt. Other times we walk around the playground and talk in British accents...but every time I learn something from Becca.



I also know Becca from church. About a month ago, Becca and I were walking past a fairly attractive single man (whom I'm pretty sure BECCA has a crush on), when suddenly Becca pushed me into him and demanded, "Tell him what you said about him." Red-faced, I reeled to figure out what she was talking about and muttered something unintelligble before returning to her--not so amused.



The next week, over lunch, Becca kept talking about how nice Mr. Butler was. Later on the playground, Becca asked nicely, "I want you to meet Mr. Butler."



"Why do you want me to meet Mr. Butler?" My brow furrowed. (Note: Becca is sneaky.)



"Just come on!" she impatiently grabbed my arm and led me about two feet from Mr. Butler before turning a quick 180 and abandoning me, "I'm going to go find Hayley!"



Again, awkward and red-faced, I thought, "What a sweet child."



And I also heard Jeff Foxworthy asking me, "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?"



...Probably not.



The truth is I'm afraid to engage in relationships because I've been rejected and hurt before. And it's easy to slip into self-preservation mode. My friend Sara called the other night. As we talked about how difficult it was to be vulnerable with guys, Sara concluded, "I guess it's better than our other option...being alone." We sat in silence for a few seconds letting the truth sink in. Then we laughed at the simplicity of her realization.



I love working with kids because they have few inhibitions--and they remind me that every day is NEW. Kids take risks...



Risks that grown-ups should still be taking.



"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8

God loves Russian Orphans like me?

Liam fell asleep mid-giggle and snuggled into my armpit this morning. As I listened to NPR, the following story brought me to tears: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126069646

A 7-year old Russian boy was sent alone on a plane to return to the orphanage his Tennessee mother had adopted him from with the following note attached, "I no longer wish to parent this child."

I couldn't blame the emotional outburst on hormones; and just felt silly sitting alone in my sister's living room, holding my nephew, weeping. I mean I love everything about this kid. I love how he raises one eyebrow as he unintelligibly tells me something REALLY important and then breaks out in a huge smile. I even love when I find his dirty diapers under the seat of my car a few days too late.

Deep inside, I think something breaks inside all of us when we hear a story like this. Our souls know that EVERY CHILD SHOULD BE LOVED. Rejected children are a painful reminder of our fallen world--there's something so wrong about it that we can't help but cry. One of the beautiful things about living for the Kingdom is working toward the unconditional, forever adoption of the orphan.

But I think we weep also because part of us relates to the Russian orphan. The tears form when we recall a moment in our lives when someone placed US on a plane for Russia with a note: 'I no longer love her. She's loud and talks too much.'

One semester in college, my friend Cree relentlessly called me EVERY day and said, "Tiffy. God loves you." Sometimes that was all she would say before hanging up.

And it was annoying.

I mean, who was Cree to tell ME that God loved me. I was leading Bible Study at the time and preparing to co-lead a team of 15 for Campus Crusade to Mexico that summer. Of course I knew God loved me!

But I didn't...not really.

Pain and rejection complicate things. They try to convince us that when people forsake us or find us un-lovely that God also feels this way. That maybe something about us needs to change. Maybe we need to DO certain things to stay love-able.

But that's not how God works. He loves us as much as I love my nephew; and He weeps every time one of us gets sent back to Russia with a note saying we are no longer love-able.

He weeps because it's not true and He wants the orphan in all of us to know it.

I remember the exact moment...a year later, when I really FELT like God loved me.

(ring ring ring)

"Hello? God loves YOU." Do you believe it?

What If?

Donald Miller recently issued the 'What If' challenge. Miller stated in his original post The Single Most Powerful Question You Can Ask that the most powerful question a person can ask is "What if..."

Stop. Read the above link. And return.

K. So here's my list of five Tiffany 'What ifs?'

1. What if I actually put my family first?
2. What if I took an art class, like I've been wanting to since college?
3. What if I asked Angela for coffee instead of just thinking I wanted to do that...eventually?
4. What if I just admit that I'm afraid to be in a relationship?
5. What if I wrote a book?

Now your turn.

I know a lot of you are reading (because you tell me you are) but not commenting...

BUT I want to REALLY engage you with this one. Take a few minutes. What are YOUR five 'What if' questions?

Cheese-Smothered Aquafina Bottles

While running past the college this morning, I noticed (on the neatly trimmed grass) an empty Aquafina bottle, smothered in cheese sauce, next to a beer can. And it was lovely.

…

So, I stopped and gazed at it in wonder.

…

Not really. Though I appreciated the randomness, it was pretty gross.

So, today, I’m running, and I’m thinking about how not even something as ugly as a cheese-smothered water bottle can distract me from the beauty of the daffodils that are springing up EVERYWHERE, or the bright feathers of the ducks waddling around Heartwell Park, or even the way the sun feels on my skin after enduring the winter.

And I’m reminded of how God lets ugly co-exist with beauty. And then I wonder why…

After God destroyed creation in the flood, He made a promise to the earth. “Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.”

And I remember that ugly co-exists with beauty…because God is merciful.

He doesn’t just let them co-exist in creation, but also in people. It’s one of those annoying things we never seem to grasp. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do…”

But that has incredible implications, “But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

We instinctively look for the beautiful in creation. People spend evenings watching sunsets…not dumpsters. I did NOT stop to gaze at the cheese-smothered water bottle.

But we struggle to do the same with people. We kind of like to stop and gape at the cheese-smothered water bottles in the lives of others. Isn’t that strange?

...and ugly? And it fuels our own insecurities, because we don’t want others to see our own trash.

Jesus showed us a better way. That's what Paul is saying in Romans 7. Where sin increases, we have opportunities to see how cool grace is. God chose not to destroy humanity, but showed mercy and sent Jesus instead.

God is merciful.


(This rainbow was so ridiculous, I made my roommate late to Bible Study on Tuesday.)

Bonding-A Guest Post from Grandpa

I'm so excited about this post! My grandpa has been working on writing the stories of his life. Yesterday he showed me the following story, which I asked if I could share on my blog:

The Heidtbrink family had traveled north from Gesham, NE, 600 miles to visit us in Clearbrook, MN. The day one big event was Tiffany falling & sustaining a nasty gash on her cheek. Our daughter Doris, Tiffy’s mother, had taken her to the Doctor for repair and was now getting her ready for bed.




It is important to note here that up to this point Tiffany had mastered Da Da & Ma Ma, not a very impressive vocabulary but extremely important.


I was standing by the bed looking at Tiffany’s wounded cheek when she opened her eyes and for the first time ever said, “Hi Grandpa.”

Life is composed of moments, each one an opportunity to add special colorful memories that bond us to each other, in this case the simple “Hi, Grandpa” became the bud that continues to blossom for Tiffany and me. This kind of bonding is available to all whom in childlike openness reach out to each other & let it happen.




One time Jesus asked His Disciples point blank Matthew 16:15-16 Who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Peter thought he loved Jesus, but, a short time later, he denied even knowing the Lord.




Then just before Jesus ascended to the Father, John 21:15 (NASB) ---, Jesus said* to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" and repeated it, each time Peter responded I’m your friend. A 3rd time Jesus said, “Are you really my friend,” and Peter grieved in his spirit replied, “Lord you know I am your friend.”




Peter never forgot that simple, honest loving, “Lord, you know I’m your friend.” the bud blossomed & from that day on Peter’s love never flagged even when, because of his love for Jesus, they were impaling him upside down on a cross.

(Grandpa with my nephew Liam.)

Baptist kids don't grow up attending Tenebrae services, but the last two years I've joined my friend Darci at her Methodist church on Maundy Thursday.

This year the significance of what we celebrated struck a little deeper, and largely due to the theme of this blog.

During the service, I thought a lot about the experience of the disciples. Some say the followers of Jesus hoped for political revolution. Others could taste the sweetness of spiritual reform. Either way, the excitement rose as the Messiah rode into Jerusalem on a donkey and people waved palm branches shouting "Hosanna."

And I feel giddy with them that FINALLY their expectations will be realized.

But then, Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

Pause.

Did He just say He was going to die?

Looking at the crucifixion from the perspective of unrealized expectations, I feel the pain more deeply. I no longer only see my friend dying on a cross--but also my hopes, dreams, and expectations. I suddenly feel foolish for wanting the world to be a better place, or giving someone a second chance. I begin to wish I hadn't taken risks or spoken so boldly, because it seems that things will end up

just

as

they

have

always

been...

We already know the ending. The disciples' ideas did not compare to the plans of God. Jesus had spoken to them about the future. He had tried to comfort them with the promise of Sunday.

I love this about God.

I have some pretty good dreams. And when they begin to crumble...I don't need to feel foolish.

Instead I wait...

Instead I hope...

for something BETTER!

Happy Easter, friends.